Talking of chemicals

Talking of chemical modification, I've been running on unending supply of caffeine for the whole day. Believe me when I tell you light cold medicine combined with binge drinking coffee is not good for your health, mental or otherwise. Although the job I had to do today was certainly helped by the spike I got from caffeine, this is not something I want to repeat every single day. Thank god I have the whole day off tomorrow (actually, it's today since the time's a little after two in the AM).

I had to do bunch of deviation analysis for my experiment, and write up reports on the findings. The job was finished only moments ago. I personally like my job. A measly City College student handling real experiments and possibly looking at the bright future of scholarships in better places and PhD options, what I have is certainly better than what most people get to experience in life I think. The hardship of the experience themselves doesn't really matter, so long as I can devote myself to the future I can believe in one little thing at a time. A world that can finally step away from the nauseatingly pedestrian vision of the future, a world where individuals will finally be able to pursue their own visions of what the world should be regardless of social/cultural/physical restrictions. A world where being treated like a human being is an obvious and inalienable right rather than luxury that must be earned.

When I was in high school I practically gave up on life. I didn't submit college applications, and didn't even take SATs. I only did those things in a spur of the moment in about a week's time, and by then the only college accepting application was the CUNY. Even after getting into the CUNY the experience was horrible to say the least. In all honesty, for anyone of even average intellectual disposition the hardest part of being in a CUNY college is being in a CUNY college, for many of the people and environment one must constantly encounter in CUNY never fails to remind you of what a failure you are. The crushing feeling of having no worthwhile future to avail myself of, that is a disease many people of this age seem to suffer from, knowingly or not.

Times have passed, and now I am a promising student of science (if I say so myself). So am I free from that feeling of despair? Day after day of mean spirited drudgeries filled with things I could not possibly care about, or even approve of? No I am not free. Even now I must devote myself wholly to my endeavor, strive to hone my skills and the acuity of my mind or risk the return of the nihilistic tendencies. Should it ever happen I will turn what little I've achieved to nothingness by my own hands. For some inexplicable reason I tend to be very good at those sort of things. 

The world is innately separate from the humanity. It is a motif that shows up again and again throughout the human history, embedded in fairy tales and streaks of madness. Along with the multilayered syndrome is the similarly ever present motif of metamorphosis, embedded in both the darker and lighter side of the human psyche, the quintessential archetype that instigates the self. Perhaps science and technology is the bridge in the gap between the world and humanity. Perhaps that is why I am so obsessed with the physical study of artificial life and physical origins of the consciousness.